


that one time I got revived by cookies

by SleepyFubuki



Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Don't @ Me, I don't know why but it just did, M/M, Reconcilation, and so it gets out of hand, author is going to hell series, but people misinterpret shit, masturbation?, no sex but it's definitely meant to be sexual
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:00:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25092754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyFubuki/pseuds/SleepyFubuki
Summary: How to keep your family together, as demonstrated by a certain normal (?) household.or: revival is (f)risky business.WARNING: This work contains mentions/reference to sexual acts, and in chapter 2, explicitly describes such acts.If you want the plot but not the porn, please proceed with caution and read the warnings for each chapter.
Series: In This House We Believe In Dageism [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1767790
Kudos: 3





	that one time I got revived by cookies

**Author's Note:**

> Look, this is what happens when you interpret stuff more freely than that swimming anime, okay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Annie rejoins the family, but at what cost?
> 
> **WARNING: This chapter contains mentions/reference to sexual acts.** If you don't wish to see such content, stop reading at the point where Dani the tomato appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You won't be missing much if you skip the parts after Dani appears.  
> Just...some comedic descriptions of a tomato being sad.

> _And it was about the sixth minute, and there was a darkness over all the town square until the ninth minute._  
>  _And the sun was darkened, and the Leaderboard was rent in the midst._  
>  _And when Kakushigo had cried with a loud voice, he said, Dage, into thy hands I commend my spirit: and having said thus, he gave up the ghost._

Clearly, no one had told Kakushigo about Annie renouncing her parents, because the next day, he was bewildered to see only four places set at the table during dinner.

"Only four?" he asked, raising one eyebrow at Luka. "Isn’t Annie joining us?"

Luka just shrugged. "Annie’s not our daughter anymore, y’know? No way she’ll be coming for dinner."

"WHAT?"

Haigi popped some rice in a pot and began to eat it like popcorn (poprice?) as he watched Kakushigo storm up to Luka. This was becoming quite entertaining.

"Why didn’t you say anything about this?” Kakushigo demanded, as Luka went back to carving the roast chicken. "She’s our daughter! What happened? Why did you say she’s not our daughter anymore?"

"Cookies,” Luka replied, squinting at the chicken torso that he hoped was cooked properly. "Also, in case you were wondering, I didn’t disown her. She disowned me."

"Ooooh, this is getting serious," Jaytee whispered, padding up to his older brother. "Can I have some popcorn?"

"Poprice," Haigi whispered, holding the pot out for him.

"Why didn’t you try to keep her, then?" Kakushigo pressed on. "At least let her know that you still love her? As her mother?"

"I dunno, do I even love her?" Luka wondered aloud. "If Jesus comes up to me on a chariot of breadsticks right this moment and tells me that He bleeds butter cookies from His nose, then maybe I love her."

"Mother’s on crack again," Haigi speculated, shaking the pot.

Kakushigo just stared in disbelief.

"Who’s Jesus?"

"See? My point exactly," Luka scoffed, jabbing his carving knife in the air. "Now, sit yo’ ass down, dinner’s almost ready." He turned to his two sons, who froze the moment his gaze landed on them. "And you two! Why didn’t you share your poprice with me, damnit. That looks good."

Haigi silently handed him the pot. Luka helped himself to a pinch of the stuff.

"Put some chocolate on that," he suggested.

Kakushigo stared at all of them, slowly shaking his head.

"What is wrong with you people."

~~

The next day, as soon as Kakushigo was done with his priestly duties in the church, he went to check the number of cookies he had.

120,015,695. That would be more than enough.

He got out the exact number of cookies, loaded them up into a small(?) trailer, dragged Luka along, and went to Annie’s house.

Annie happened to be tending her flowers in the front garden when Kakushigo and Luka arrived.

"These are for you," Kakushigo said earnestly, waving at the trailer-full of cookies.

Annie narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Even the guy over there?"

"Oh, no, Wifey is mine, of course," Kakushigo quickly added. "But the cookies are for you. All 120,015,695 of them."

Annie’s eyes narrowed even further as she stepped forward, looking at the cookies in the trailer.

"I renounced Mother earlier for giving me cookies, now I forgive Father for doing the same...?" she murmured.

That meant she was part of this family again. Yes. Adoption and renouncement happened so easily in this world, you'd think family units meant nothing. But no, they meant a lot, they did. It was just that grown-ass adults had moods, and such moods often got in the way of the important shit. Stuff like that.

Luka had just been accepted by Annie as a mother again, and by right, he should have celebrated this joyous moment. But, like the crackhead he was, the first thing he did was to check the leaderboard. After all, Kakushigo had owned such a large amount of cookies, but suddenly he was giving such a large amount away, too...

"I will forgive you for the cookie drowning," Annie said grudgingly, shaking hands with Luka and inevitably covering his hands in cookie-smell. Also, what drowning? That was probably what Annie had thought. Ten thousand cookies were a paltry sum.

Luka gave no shits about that, though.

"Wow, Kaku got wiped from the leaderboard," he marvelled, looking up at the Cookie Leaderboard. Indeed, Kakushigo's name had disappeared from it. "Like, entirely."

"I no longer exist," Kakushigo chuckled.

"Dearest Father in Heaven," Haigi sighed, folding his hands in prayer. No one questioned his sudden presence, because no one questions a praying man.

"I reconcile with Mother and Father and α siblings," Annie announced, giving everyone present a hug.

"Instead of passing the salmon, are we passing cookies?" Haigi wondered, as he returned Annie's hug.

Meanwhile, Kakushigo had altered his appearance to look like someone who no longer existed.

"Annie came back, but at what cost?" Luka wondered.

Next to Kakushigo, Dani the tomato had appeared, and it was staring up at the supposedly dead priest with tearful eyes. Never mind the fact that tomatoes weren't supposed to have eyes, that was the potato's job, or tears, that was the tear glands' job. But it was sad, and we do not question the legitimacy of boo-hoo tears. Just leave them alone.

Anyway, Dani had created a makeshift headstone for Kakushigo and was kneeling before it, a tear spilling from its eye that we've already established shouldn't be existing.

"Please wait 4 to 5 days for the priest's auto resurrect to kick in and give you your husband back," Kakushigo intoned, lying down before the makeshift headstone and placing his hands over his chest. Dani came up next to his face, bawling its non-existent eyes out. It was now a mourning tomato.

"It's okay, Father," Luka assured, kneeling next to his now-dead husband whose body was already beginning to stop moving. "Rest in peace. Just remember that story about the god who promised to let a guy fuck him and ended up fucking a wooden dick on the guy's grave."

"You're welcome to do as the god did, my dear," Kakushigo replied, his eyes beginning to glaze over. "And when wood is replaced with flesh, you will know I am back." Thus he moved no more, and was truly dead.

"So...Father is dead?" Haigi asked cautiously.

Luka gave Kakushigo a jab in the side. Nothing happened.

"He dead," he decided.

And thus Kakushigo was dead. The good priest was no more.


End file.
